someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
