i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
