This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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