You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
