when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
