Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
