why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
