When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
