there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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