when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
