I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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