There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
