glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
