Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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