yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
