just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
