the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
