So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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