Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
