so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
