i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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