man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
