I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
