the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
