I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
