I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
