If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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