Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
