I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
