My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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