Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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