Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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