I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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