Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
