Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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