Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
