you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Randomize
