Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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