currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
