We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize