I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Randomize
