she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
