Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
