I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize