I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize