If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
