you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
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