I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize