a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Vodka?
Forever.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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