Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
