but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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