but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Randomize
