you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
