Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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