Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
