Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
