its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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