If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
