Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
40s are totally the cure
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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