Cold hands, warm shart.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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